veilstrike | a message to justice.

I owe you an explanation.

[ A pause. A breathe. And then she continues. ]

I can't promise it's going to be a very good one. I can't even promise it's going to make much sense, Justice, but you deserve to know what happened. You deserve to know why I was such a - a coward, why I hurt you the way I did, why I hurt myself just as much. It wasn't fair and it wasn't just and you deserve far, far better than what I can ever offer you, but I hope this is a start. I hope it does something, because... Someone, whoever or whatever Gods there are, knows that you have earned the right to know why I hurt you.

[ She hasn't written any of this down and maybe she should have, because her voice is shaken and unsure, stuttering on her words as she tries to get it all out. She feels like such a fucking idiot, baring her heart to someone she doesn't even expect to listen. It would serve her right. The problem is... Justice will listen, because he is good. He's so good and she is not. ]

I think, maybe, I should start at the beginning. You know I loved Solas, you know how I feel about him now, because you were there when I got hideously drunk and cried on you. I apologise for that, by the way. In hindsight it was an absolutely awful idea. [ But. Well, she's getting sidetracked, isn't she? There's an even bigger apology she has to make here. ]

The Anchor came to me in a freak accident. Solas had an orb - a Foci - and he gave it to a Tevinter... Darkspawn... Thing, Corypheus, to unlock it. He imagined Corypheus would die but, surprise! He didn't. So instead of Solas having his power I had it and there was a hole in the sky that I needed to fix and an immortal Magister that needed to die. It was fine, I could do it, and I became a Herald of a God I didn't believe in and Inquisitor to an organisation who thought very little of me just because I have pointy ears. I had to prove myself, time and time again, and I almost died, time and time again. It was shitty, Justice. I don't know if you know how it feels to become this... This person that has the weight of the world on their shoulders, quite literally, and have no idea how to deal with it, but that's what I was. I was a girl and I had to save the world, so I did.

[ It's not that she regrets becoming Inquisitor, not entirely, but there's a bitterness there. No one asked her if she wanted this. No one asked if she was okay, if she was happy, if she could do it. Her self-worth relied on her ability to be a good Inquisitor until eventually it was all she had. ]

I never expected to fall in love with Solas. He was handsome, yes, but he kept his distance from me until I badgered him about all the things he knew of the People. I was desperate to know more of my own heritage, to learn about myself, of our history, what the Dalish had forgotten, and he told me. His wisdom, his knowledge, his sense of humour... I fell in love with it all. Our first kiss was in the Fade and he told me he needed time. I gave him that, and we kept dancing and dancing until he came and told me that he loved me. That I 'changed everything'. Asking if the Anchor had changed me, made me wiser or smarter. I had no idea what he was talking about -- I was just happy. Someone loved me, Justice, for the first time in my life, and I loved him too. I loved him so much I was blind to what was in front of me.

You know the truth that I found out later. Solas was Fen'Harel. I think he wanted to tell me - he took me to a quiet place, he told me I was beautiful... Then he told me that my vallaslin were slave markings, that everything that the Dalish believed was wrong and foolish, that we were no better than Tevinter. I let him take them from me because I thought it would make things better, easier, somehow, that we could be happy with the sign of slavery taken from my face. Instead, he told me that I was - that what we were doing was a distraction. That I wasn't focussed on Corypheus. That it was better that the two of us part. Nothing I said was enough to stop him and after the battle against Corypheus he left me. He abandoned us all.

[ Leilani's voice is soft and quiet, now, drawn out and sad, and she clenches a fist over her leg, gritting her teeth. She's not told anyone about any of this, not even Dorian, and it aches. It burns in her chest because she had loved Solas with everything that she had inside of her and he had ripped it out and torn her into pieces thinking it was best for them both. ]

Two years later we stumbled upon a Qunari plot to invade Thedas while I was trying to save the Inquisition and remind everyone that I had saved the fucking world. My hand was getting worse, my Anchor was trying to kill me and all my friends had gone back to their lives. I was alone, again, and I didn't know what to do. What do you do when you're dying and - and the only person that could save you abandoned you to your fate? When you loved him but couldn't chase him down? I felt so hopeless. I felt like this was it, that everything I had done was leading to this moment where I was just going to die. I felt so worthless - like everything I had worked for was meaningless in the end, because I was going to die and so was the Inquisition.

I was going to die, Justice. The Anchor was going to kill me. I knew it, my friends knew it, and that was just how it was. I was going to die to protect the world and I thought... That's what I was meant to die. I was supposed to die so that everyone else could live and be happy. My happiness didn't mean anything, in the end. [ And now she feels a little bit like she might cry.

She's never told anyone how it felt, chasing after Solas through mirrors, taking down the Qunari as she went. Not even Dorian or Bull knew how hopeless she felt, how desolate - perhaps Cole did, in his way, but she never voiced it. She bit her tongue because she knew that it was better to stay silent and give them hope than admit how defeated and worthless she felt. ]

We found Solas, in the end. He admitted to being Fen'Harel, admitting all the things he had done, told me that he created the Veil and intended to tear it down, destroying Thedas and everyone in it as he did. He ripped my arm from me and took the Anchor and left me there. He told me that he loved me, that he would never forget me, but that he could not stay with me. Between his... Whatever it was, revenge or fixing the world or whatever bullshit excuse he made up to justify this and the love we shared? The love wasn't enough. I wasn't enough.

Then I woke up here. I met you. [ There's a sad, teary laugh as she swallows the hurt down. ] I didn't mean to - I thought that we'd sleep together. That you'd learn about sex and pleasure and like it and that would be it. I even told Dorian that I wouldn't get feelings, that - that it was just for us to have fun. I would get over Solas and you would learn how it felt to be entangled up with someone. I never...

[ She groans, hiding her face in her hands. It's a good thing her device is on her lap, and when she speaks her voice is muffled but audible. ]

I didn't expect to fall in love with you, but I did. I was healing from Solas, two years in the making, and I met you. You were kind and good to me and honest and you know how - you knew me. You tried to understand me. You learned what made me feel better when I was sad and how to laugh and how to kiss me. You cared, and I wanted it, selfishly, to be mine. I wanted you to be mine, but I was afraid because... Because I didn't want to lose again. I didn't want to love someone who was going to choose something, someone, other than me.

[ She sounds like such a fucking idiot. 'I love you so I broke up with you'? That makes sense. She knows, too, that logically it was a mixture of her own fears tied up with her upset with Dorian and her need to isolate herself, but those are excuses. So many of them, on top of the other, that Justice doesn't deserve. ]

I love you and I was afraid that you'd realise you could never love me, so I wanted to stop it before that could happen. I wanted to stop us from getting hurt and made it hurt even more than it would have before. I wanted you to choose me, to love me, but I was afraid that you wouldn't so I ran away. I was a coward and Dorian was right to tell me so. He was right to scold me, because I deserved it. I did something unspeakably cruel to you and you deserve so much better than that.

[ It absolutely sounds like she's crying now. ]

I don't expect this to fix things and I don't expect you to - to do anything. To speak to me, or welcome me back, or say anything. I just wanted you to know, to understand, why I did what I did. Why, even though you knew I didn't want to, I ended things: I was afraid. I was scared of repeating what had happened before and made it worse as a result. I'm sorry, Justice. I'm sorry that I hurt you, that I was cruel, that I was unjust. I'm sorry that I was too afraid to be honest with you and myself.

I'm not sorry for loving you, but I am sorry for hurting you. I hope that you can forgive me for that. I understand if that isn't the case, but... This is all I can tell you. It's no excuse and I'm aware of it, but I hope it is enough for you to understand. I hope you can... I hope you can look me in the eye and smile again. I think I - [ Miss that the most.

Coughing, Leilani breathes out. ]

That's all. If you listened to it all... Thank you. I hope you're okay.